This life is getting to me – no matter how much temperance and magnanimity I try to wield I am getting crushed by this world. Everything I say, every word I utter is in vain, lost on deaf ears and dead hearts. I am sick of this struggle to find even the most remote semblance of fellowship with others and I am sick of the truth being marginalized. I am sick of all you sycophants, cowards, liars and whores that I am forced to continually endure. Perhaps the cause is lost, perhaps the cause best lie with dead men, perhaps I am not strong enough or compromising enough to maintain this illusion of acceptance. I don’t accept you – I fantasize about your enslavement and obliteration. I’d rather die than live like you.
Why am I even trying? What possible future could there be for me? I have tempered isolation as best as I could and failed. I don’t relate to your drinking stories, drug abuse, buying extravaganzas, fashions, caprice and superficiality. I am not you – and never will be. I used to tell myself “this path is in vain, but it must be done none the less, as this is what is required of a man” but I wonder now if there is not another alternative: shrinking away and hiding in the mountains, abandoning this world and living in my own, giving up the Republic. I feel worthless when I do not at least try to speak the truth – but I wonder if that feeling would fade with time and a new perspective. This world is too cold and too uncaring; I can’t relate to your rudeness, callousness, greed, self-importance and apathy – I can’t relate to your hollowness of human affairs and how little you care for the wellbeing of others.
Is it so much to ask for a single person to trust and relate to? I have given myself in that capacity to so many others but have never met someone who I could trust who was not within 40 years of my age, and even then, seldom few. This society is a great wasteland of wasted human decency and the older I get the more disillusioned I get. People seem to become more and more vile the farther away they get from the womb – my peers are shit panderers, ruthless careerists, concerned with things which are meaningless, content to glorify their depravity, apathy and stupidity. The supposed “college” kids are frauds who I can barely look upon without feeling disgust and contempt – more concerned with drunken excess, sexual deviancy and mall prowling than anything approaching academic or moral causes, nothing with passion or ideals, just mediocrity and consumption. Die all, toads.
Alas, as usual, I waste my breath and exhaust myself with hope.
More to say, no one to hear, I shall converse with myself, or with virtuous figures from the past, now nothing but dust.