In terms of effort, I put as much in as I could healthily afford, balancing the chaos of last semester thesis work and graduate school admissions with the chaos of trying to save a hemorrhaging business. I upheld my oaths and duties and lived up to my standards of behavior. I could have improved my participation by mentally preparing more carefully before speaking, as sometimes I spoke nonsense. This is unlike me, as normally words flow through my mouth with expedient power, but the concepts in aesthetics were frustrating and unnatural to me, and so I was muddled down in the indecision of my thoughts. So let it be said that I could have improved my participation by tempering my thoughts with more prudence instead of wasting the listeners time with unexamined thoughts. Then again, some would say this is the good of philosophy, to work through muddled thoughts with a rational process, yet I always came out of class without a feeling of having contented my mind at all.
I benefited most from the private meditations I was able to have after being exposed to the thoughts of other philosophers. While my original perceptions of the discipline were mostly affirmed, I did gain a small share of new wisdom from several key writings, and this paltry nugget made the class worth it. I particularly found Tolstoy’s theories of art to be intelligible to my natural reason, and I wish the classical ideas that are hinted at in the fringes of his writings could have been explored more through the writings of the actual classical thinkers (i.e. Tolstoy hints at the moral domain of art as Plato would, but we didn’t encounter Plato much other than in terms of historical context). I think I had the most trouble with trying to keep my frustration toward modernism tempered with justice and prudence, as I believe the modern mode of thought is not philosophical or healthy for humanity, but I managed to not make anyone cry so I consider this a success. As far as feeling uncomfortable, I am comfortable everywhere I go, what could possibly happen to me? Death? There are worse things that could happen, no need to feel uncomfortable.