You know you’re from Patchogue if…

A sad thing that has been propagating across the local MySpace community, a list of things that (I presume) are designed to invoke nostalgia or a sense of solidarity among the inhabitants of Patchogue (grammar and spelling preserved):

You know your from Patchogue if….

1)You’ve gotten laid at Pine Neck

2)You have talked a hispanic into buying you alcohol/ciggarettes

3)You have bummed money off of mexicans

4)You dont own a bike because your tired of getting it stolen

5)You know what alive after five is

6)You know who Wheel Chair Willy is (I loved him AND mama)

7)You know what a bodaga is

8)You know who lives between waldbuams and walgreens

9)You have stolen from Burlignton Coat Factory

10)You have hung Out on Mainstreet

11)You’ve partied at GreenPort,The RR Tracks,Alleys,on the roofs of the apartments,and just about anywhere with trees

12)You know how to ask for a dollar in spanish

13)You’ve gone roof hopping

14)You chill at 7-11

15)Your house has been vandalized

16)You have been approached millions of times by pervs(girls)

17)You have been in a police car

18)You are underage but can purchase ciggarettes and blunts from a certain **gas station** (we all kno which one)

19)Your Summer Job is sitting on Main Street bumming Money

20)You get bags of free condoms from the health center

21)You have shopped at CBS

22)You’ve got drunk sitting on stairs in the alley next to the library

23)You go to the library only to meet up with people

24)You have had conversations with crackheads behind the library

25)90% of the people in your town speak spanish

26)You have pawned something

27)You carry a knife when you leave your house

28)You’ve taken the train/bus

29)You know at least 10 different ways to clean out your system

30)You’ve been to planned parenthood(girls)or have gone with your girlfriend

31)You learned to drive in the Caldoors parking lot

What a depraved and worthless world in which the most cherished childhood memories include stabbings, irresponsible and destructive sexuality, being sexually assaulted by “pervs” and the glorification of thievery and other crimes. Having exiled myself from the “popular” society of my “peers” some years ago I have luckily avoided the memories which would make this list somehow inspiring or create a “warm and fuzzy” feeling inside. This list was enthusiastically forwarded to me by an individual who seemed to not only find it funny in a nostalgic way but also perfectly accurate in its rendition of the teen experiences of most Patchogue-Medford inhabitants.

In this backward society in which the children run things, using their parents’ money to buy heroin, knives and condoms – is there truly any hope for the coming generations and more importantly, the republic at large? The depressing reality of the situation is an unwavering ‘no,’ as the people have become so disconnected from the good life and virtue. The result of a corrupt society is a corrupt democratic mechanism. Democracy does not work unless the people voting are healthy, wise and virtuous. This caveat of democracy is precisely the reason why republican government formed in the first place: the masses only should have the power to govern themselves, unless they are all wise, virtuous and indifferent – an unrealistic expectation. Instead of expecting the masses to behave in a reasonable way, we can expect and demand that key representatives of the community do.

Yet even republican government is corrupted by a morally bankrupt society as the representatives increasingly find it attractive to pander their way into office and to manipulate the apathy and intellectual torpor of their constituents for personal gain. Furthermore, the quality of the representatives degenerates by the passing of generations from the wisest and brightest passionately involved in the structuring of a novel, ideal project, the “Great City of Gods and Men,” to something much more mediocre: corporate scions of the mall culture. Merit is replaced with displays of decadence as determining factors for leadership, and as a result the republic collapses from within. When those with the prettiest robes and most attractive bodies replace those who wield knowledge and virtue the republic collapses. This is the collapse in progress: a society with perpetually degenerating priorities, which has no ideals to strive toward and instead cannibalizes its own members in a race to acquire the most fanciful displays and invented awards.