Although I usually try my best to keep my posts here fairly impersonal and philosophical, if I don’t get out this list of disdain i’m going to implode. Again, sorry for the Devin Townsend style rant.
I’m sick of being lied to by everyone, being mislead by people who supposedly love me, of gasping for air in this suffocating facade of normalcy.
I’m sick of living in a world where everyone has vile secrets, double lives and throwaway declarations.
I’m sick of that look the paper gangsters shoot me as they pass me on the road, going 90 miles per hour in a 20 miles per hour zone; that false gesture of constant threat and murder eyes backed by nothing but mass produced drum synth and predictable shouts about getting bitches into your car.
I’m sick of the emotionless music cranked out at the lowest common denominator like every thing else in this decaying culture, the music engineered to get girls (like every thing else in this decaying culure), the pointless, memetic, hollow phrases sung so trite on top of two chords. I’m sick of never being able to discuss what I listen to or becoming a straw man when I do. The fashionable devotion to new ways of life and new ways of thinking to completely replace previous ways. The fashionable adoption of any mundane creed flashed so seductively on MTV; the idiocy and gullibility of people. I’m sick of the close mindedness and ignorance, the steadfast devotion to corporate arbitration, the way buying shit that you don’t need gives you purpose. I’m sick of the dishonesty in music, how the frontman of Creed can have drunken groupsex with Fred Durst and some groupies and still talk about christian values as if they were anything more than a vessel to sell more records and stuff his pockets so fiercely with green paper that will be scattered at the time of his hopefully sooner than later death. How ‘hardcore’ rappers can brag about selling records to 13 year old suburban pampered cunts.
I’m sick of giving her my everything, my heart, my life and being stabbed in the face in return. I am sick of being unable to feel love anymore, of only being sure my heart beats when I reflect on past times, the gaping void in my stomach that wells with disgust and pain every single moment i’m awake, the heart palpatations I feel when I realize this isn’t a dream. I am destroyed by the memories of hopes and dreams, of plans and promises smashed to dust. I would have died for this. I am sick of constantly being dissapointed because NO ONE CAN KEEP THE SIMPLEST OF CONVICTIONS. I am sick of the notion that integrity is for nerds and christian prudes.
I am sick of all the supposed philosophers who so easily get into girls pants with irrelevant speak of meaningless metaphysical nonsense or speak of change in the world, only to get drunk on the weekends instead; the way their seductively talk about their fantasy world when it doesn’t matter but won’t even bring dissenting opinion when pressed during a debate out of fear of someone dismantling their bullshit theories. It seems that if you speak of chaos magic, spirit healing, chakras, shadow bodies or thelema backed with some flowery words its easy to woo the idiotic masses. I am sick of the prentention of these people who all support the gratuitous branding of anarchy symbols, any offensive or radically left wing philosophy without knowing what their talking about. Ask Pol Pot’s children just how fucking great communism is. Ask Thich Quang Duc if immolating himself in a town square was just David Copperfield Vietnamese edition.
I’m sick of having to force a smile when I should be screaming. I am sick of being expected to ingest all the deceptions and still be ‘friends.’ I am sick of this world that produced her, when I know we could love eachother in another place, another time. Some other world where father figures don’t rape their children and its not OK to guilt trip a misguided and battered girl into spreading her legs. I am sick of married men exploiting high school girls who lack the self-respect to say no. I am sick of seeing so many girls be battered only to turn that venom into words that cripple like a gun. I am sick of not being able to bring justice to these social parasites, of not being able to prune the wilting plant. I die when she is hurt. I’m sick of braking my back for everyone, being the rock that people cling to, and then being second guessed and doubted when lesser men spread fabrications; the imprudence of those who would so easily buy into slander and heresay. I’m sick of being the one down in the fens when liars and manipulators win over with lies what I so honestly loved without misleadings.
I’m sick of my supposed friends who could care less about fellowship. Ruthless careerists stepping on my face to reach the top of the pyramid. I am sick of being used by these so-called friends and being selfless, being unselfish at every turn, only to be spat upon in passing. I am sick of hearing the firebrand rants on sobriety only to have those words mean nothing when you return from college a alcholic. I am sick of when you sit around and talk shit about everything that you once based your whole life on and i’m supposed to smile and nod. I am sick of being unable to have honest discourse, of always being distracted by something technological when we rarely meet, of the secret plots and the selfishness. There is something supressing honesty in meeting, something illusory which hovers in air. I am sick of being able to remember simpler times when all we needed was a porch and a couple blocks for manhunt. I am sick of being ignored and forgotten when new vaginas come around, from spending all my time with someone to spending none. I am sick of the way my supposed friends constantly complain about their girlfriends but never openly communicate to them, the way they endure the greatest annoyances for nothing, the way they sell themselves to the idea of work to the bone and nothing to live for outside a 9-5 work shift.
I am sick of there being no refuge, no one to stem the constant loneliness, no righteous government to serve, no school of philosophy that isn’t teeming with esoteric nonsense or overly critical cycles of analysis. I am sick of being forced to look over my shoulder and being on guard when speaking to new people.
I am sick of all this filth, the stench of liquor, vommit and semen on 12 year olds, invitations for dark alley hand jobs, listenting to her stories of secret whoredom and depravity. I am so tired of being alone in my honesty, of never finding a single human being that doesn’t lie directly to my face. I am sick of the search, of aspiring to search, of living at all. This place is an allegory of everything unnatural, neurotic and unsound, it is the antithesis of reason, of love and of compassion. I am sick of being sober, of thinking clearly, of being alone at all times.
I am sick of listenting to inspirational speeches by politicians, the deceptive rhetoric and sensationalism of network news, the constant fear brigade that seeks to drive everyone into the arms of hate, mistrust and selfishness. I am sick of the mandatory corruption at every strata of executive power.
I am sick of enduring this dying cell.
I am sick of walking home in the dark by myself.
Reassurance: Nothing will last and this is just noise. Time destroys everything. This pain won’t last because I won’t. Every order, empire, paradigm will be smashed into dust, every atom recycled eternally through the duty of oblivion. Your fleshy bits will be eaten by worms, which will in turn be eaten by beings far greater than themselves. Your bones will one day burn as fossil fuel. Those of the future will burn their ancestors just as we burn ours. That is our fate: a toxic vapor of burnt excess. This moment is nothing considering the gaping void of time before and after, the irrelevancy of individual lives. This will mean nothing. This is just noise.
Remember:
Matter. How tiny your share of it.
Time. How brief and fleeting your allotment of it.
Fate. How small a role you play in it.